Coronavirus Aphorisms – March 25, 2020

I got the following series of aphorisms from a dear, 80+ year old friend from Mike’s and my first congregation:

You never appreciate what you have till it’s gone.  Toilet paper is a good example.

The brain is the most outstanding organ.  It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.

The best part about getting older is … Nothing.  Getting older sucks.

I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” just after a swear word … I’ll never forget my first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

You drop something when you were younger, you just pick it up.  When you’re older and you drop something, you stare at it for a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.

When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead.  The pain is only felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid.

One way to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of a whole lot of people.  If they laugh, you’re still young.  If they panic and start running to you, you’re old.

Try to remember, the greener grass across the fence may be due to a septic tank issue.

I’ve found that growing up in the sixties was a lot more fun than being in my sixties.

(A dog looking out a window thinks:)”Look at my mom outside picking up my poop.  She had better wash her hands before she even THINKS of petting me.”

When I grow up I’d like to be a retired lottery winner.

And just like that 1969 was 50 years ago.

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.

I find, these days, that most of my conversations start out with: Did I tell you this already? or What was I going to say?

I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me.  I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date, with frequent sneezes.

(A bunch of golfers wandering around the woods:) Golf: The adult version of an Easter Egg hunt.

(Sign outside a home:) NO SOLICITING.  We are too broke to buy anything.  We know who we are voting for.  We have found Jesus.  Seriously, unless you are giving away beer, just go away.

Instead of a sign that days ‘do not disturb’ I need one that says ‘already disturbed proceed with caution’.

If you’re paying $3.00 for a bottle of smart water … it isn’t working.

(Photo of my friend holding an open beer can) Everything will kill you … so choose something fun.

I hope this blog made you laugh out loud several times. Stay well.  Be safe.  I hope to see you soon at ACTUAL worship.

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